Shame, shame, shame. It’s our counter attack enemy that walks up to us, in dark clothes, mask, while murky gray fog swirls around it as it walks closer and closer. That’s how it always approaches, it needs to make sure it’s the more dominant feeling in the room. There’s a wind in the background and all around in the air- it feels like an illusion. Like that part doesn’t matter compared to the shame. It comes closer and closer and here I am thinking, how much I hate it! How much I despise you! Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel this shame? It’s five feet away now. I’m angry at shame for being here, in my world, making it dark and swirly and murky and gray and dominant and dead. It eats at me, and the more I hate it the darker it gets, especially when I am covered in it. It’s right in front of me now like a normal sized person drenched in crippling, unwanted energy. I freeze my muscles and bones and everything I know exists in my body. It kneels, and looks up at me. I can’t see its face because there are what feels like a million particles covering it, a million lives and a million stories so crunched together it makes up black matter. I look confused, in shock of what could happen. But as I saw it there, kneeled, I somehow got the feeling that my discomfort meant nothing at all. It takes out a rose.
“Will you love me?” It says.
Shame is built on the belief that you are not good enough. It creates uncertainty and doubt, and adds on to the vicious cycle that deteriorates self-esteem. In order to start living a life that is not coming from a place of feeling bad all the time or unsure, it has to be seen for what it is. We have to acknowledge and accept it. When it is present in your emotions, see it for what it is, simply acknowledge that it is there and has chosen to hang out with you. This is practicing mindfulness. If we deny that it’s there, it will keep waving its hand to make sure you see its presence. Just observe, say hello to it with a smile: hello shame.
Shame is like a vulnerable child screaming at its mother for attention. When we are angry and deny this shame, the little child becomes more hurt and sad. When we tell ourselves, “I am stupid I can’t do anything!” We are adding to the shame and hurting it more and making it believe it to be true. When we insert compassion, we are doing the opposite of how it behaves and killing it in that very moment. By being compassionate we show the mind that there is another way to think and make the vulnerable child feel loved. Instead, say “I am intelligent, and I tried my best.” The more you practice inserting compassionate thoughts, the better you get at killing shame.
Saying the word “should” implies that the choice you made or want to make is not good enough and feeds onto the shame that you are not doing something right. It may seem extreme, but look at it this way:
I should brush my teeth.
I shouldn’t talk to her that way.
I should eat healthier.
If you don’t brush your teeth after thinking that you should, how would you feel? Instead, replace should with “could.” When we replace “should” with “could” we are removing the expectation that we need to act or do something a certain way and give ourselves more freedom to choose what we want to do. If something you need to do is really important, try the word “must.” By using “must” you are emphasizing that it’s actually a necessity you must do. If you brush your teeth because you really think you have to, then you must brush your teeth. Reshape how you talk to yourself by giving yourself the freedom to choose with “could,” or the necessity to act with “must,” to remove shameful thinking and communicating.
I could brush my teeth.
I mustn’t talk to her that way.
I could eat healthier.
Shame is that friend that we make our enemy when it doesn’t have to be. The only way we can spend less time with it, is to be as compassionate to ourselves as possible. There’s no hidden formula to it. Everytime you catch yourself in what you should be doing, or what you should have done–take a moment, and stop yourself. Practice, even if it doesn’t feel right or true (believe me I know it’s hard) to insert compassionate thoughts. You may have to push yourself a little bit because the brain doesn’t know what to think if you don’t introduce yourself to new thoughts. Tell yourself that it’s okay, you’re doing what is best for you. Find the right compassionate thoughts for the right context and push to loving thoughts. The more you practice it, the more it will feel true and the easier it will be.
Then yes, you will live shame-free.